A while back I tweeted: “To all the dubious inquirers, here is my answer: your guess is as good as mine.” While that might seem confusing or nonsensical, it harbors profound meaning … depending on your interpretation and when you interpret it. Here is my explanation, or the message I was trying to deliver: I was reassuring the worriers out there. Supposedly, these (alleged) worriers have been inquiring about one thing – What is going on? – and I, the responder, don’t have a clue either.
I don’t know why it is our contention that when people act a certain way we know why they are being like that or what is going on with them. I doubt that is the case all the time. Sometimes emotion is a tricky thing: when you feel like you know yourself and your emotions thoroughly yet you cannot explain what is going on with you … that is tough. Perhaps you don’t know or recognize the starting point of your downfall, or what caused it, but at some point in your journey, you have this moment where you realize you don’t know what has happened and how you got where you are right now. It wasn’t a choice you made; it wasn’t even a thought you entertained. As a matter of fact, you were sailing life just fine until that moment.
I am not a determinist; I believe people are responsible for their actions. Therefore, when I am in a despondent state of mind, I believe I am responsible for this gloomy situation that has encased me. However, what I could never figure out is where I went wrong. Maybe I am too careless to pay attention to things until they escalate to uncontrollable distance. Maybe I hide under denial, hoping it will get better … sometime soon. Even though I know I have to take a part to a solution, I feel like I am hoping someone will do my part as well. Beats me!
Yet again, I acknowledge that I don’t have to know everything and I am fine not knowing. What bothers me most – or what I want to change is that – the inability to dance in the storm or smile while muddling amongst the chaos. When hope is a far-fetched idea, I want to be able to think – if not hope – that tomorrow will be a better day. I want to believe that today’s mayhem is tomorrow’s triumph. After all, I want to believe there is a reason for everything. I want to know that I wasn’t sad or incomprehensive of my emotions for no reason. Despite all the negativity that surrounds me, I want to believe today wasn’t just another day, but as it is … it had a purpose. Even if it was not what I had in mind or what I want my life to be, I want to remain assured that today was a stepping-stone to a better future.
The Dubious Seeker 